Buddhist Personality Types
While reading Jack Kornfield’s book, The Wise Heart, I was reminded of the three Buddhist personality types: greedy, aversive, and deluded. [1] Thinking about this week’s theme of gratitude, I wondered if one of those types is more naturally grateful than the others.
If so, I suspected it might be the greedy type. This one takes in the beauty of the world, appreciates sights and smells, lingers over coffee, loves his friend’s remodeled kitchen, and sometimes covets his neighbor’s new coat or car. Taken to an extreme, this type can end up stealing, seeking power, or getting lost in pride or addiction.
I figured the aversive type, on the other hand, would have a hard time being grateful. This type notices what is wrong in the world, wakes up annoyed, worries about problems, and criticizes those around her. She is prone to anger and can become aggressive and cruel.
Often confused, the deluded type doesn’t really notice the furniture of his friend’s house or remember what kind of car his neighbor has. This type has trouble making decisions because he doesn’t know what he believes or wants. He is anxious, uncertain about who he is, and can neglect responsibilities. I suppose the deluded type can be grateful, but probably only if those around him lead the way.
Gifts and Gratitude
These personality types aren’t all bad. Along with the challenges they face come gifts.
The greedy type has faith in the abundance of the universe. He knows how to have fun and enjoy life. Along with the critical nature of the aversive type comes discernment, problem-solving ability, and wisdom. The deluded type can be creative, calm, and spontaneous.
So which type is most prone to gratitude and which is not? A visit I had recently with a patient made me question my initial thought that the aversive personality would be least grateful.
An Aversive Type
The woman was clearly aversive. She complained about every aspect of her life, criticizing the staff at the facility where she lived and denigrating the other residents, bemoaning the thoughtlessness of her children and cursing the physical limitations aging had left her with. In her younger years, she had agitated and protested and tried to right society’s wrongs. Now she felt unappreciated and powerless. She hated her life.
The Feelings Beneath Our Aversion
Having met this woman before, I knew that she had already moved from two other facilities she hadn’t liked. While no mainstream caregiving institution is likely to provide the comfort and companionship a person needs, some are decent places with adequate staff. I had been told that this woman’s current home was good enough in that way. Regardless, her children would not help her move again.
This left the woman feeling lonely, unloved, scared, helpless, and angry. Undoubtedly, she complained whenever her children visited or called, so they probably felt worn out by her negativity and avoided her. That increased the woman’s sense of isolation.
As she talked, I mirrored back to her what I heard, lifting up the emotions she expressed, especially her deep sadness. For a while, she allowed herself to grieve the loss of her independence and cantankerous spirit. Then, suddenly, she informed me it wasn’t helping to talk about this stuff. She was just feeling worse.
“What do you think would make you feel better?” I asked.
“How should I know?” she said. “Don’t you have any ideas?”
What About Gratitude?
I allowed myself to get sucked into her question, and I broached the possibility of a gratitude practice.
“What do I have to be grateful for?” she snapped.
Goodness gracious, I thought to myself, you’re alive, you can talk, you have all your fingers and they function just fine. You have a warm place to live even if you don’t like it, you have food to eat and teeth to eat it with, you have a window to look out of, and that’s just the beginning.
Aloud, I asked how well she could see.
It turned out she couldn’t see very well. Her vision problems kept her from doing the things she loved. She had tried to find help, but nothing worked, and she despaired at ever reading a book or using her computer again. As one might expect, losing her sight had diminished her quality of life. She felt frustrated, discouraged, and sad.
“Sounds awful,” I told her.
She agreed it was.
Finding Joy
Then the conversation started to change. Perhaps my affirmation had helped. Maybe she’d simply had enough of her own woe. In any event, she told me about the activity director at her facility who took the residents to clothing stores and concerts. She liked the woman and enjoyed the outings. She also found pleasure in the weekly visits she had from a minister friend.
“He tries to get me to feel better, like you do,” she said. “But he never does.” This tickled her, and she chuckled. I grinned.
She shared some stories about the churches she used to attend, about her past political activism. When she got a little stronger, she told me, she’d volunteer for some campaign or other.
“You sound hopeful,” I said.
She told me you have to have hope to keep going. Hope and a sense of humor. As if to prove it, she told me some funny stories. “You see?” she said. “I have a good sense of humor.”
Transforming Pain
Her transformation surprised me. Yes, I know that feeling heard and understood helps us let go of our pain. I know that when we process our concerns, we often solve our own problems. But this woman had spent years focusing on how miserable she was. How had she suddenly become open to change?
Over the years, I’ve noticed that I can’t tell who will find the gem that changes her life and who will not. Maybe this hospitalized woman had already processed these concerns enough that she was ready to release them and embrace healing. Of course, one breakthrough moment is unlikely to make a long-term difference in her life. Yet for at least a little while, something inside her had shifted.
“I wonder,” I said, “if you’re grateful for your sense of humor.”
“Yes,” she said. “I am.”
Appreciating Our Life
I doubt she was ready to write a gratitude list, but at least she could acknowledge something positive in herself and her life. This isn’t to say my job is to help her, or anyone else, experience gratitude. Sometimes my work is to witness a person’s sadness, anxiety, or anger without trying to take it away. Usually, when I can do this, people feel better, but again, that is not really my job. My job is to listen to what is said or not said, to hold the suffering with compassion, and perhaps to make the moment a little lighter just because I’m there.
From this woman, I was reminded about the risks of trying to solve a person’s problems. Once again, I saw the power of trusting another’s capacity to discover her own answers. I was also able to see that beneath this woman’s aversive worldview lay a true and sacred capacity for joy.
That’s the thing about the Buddhist personality types. The painful and unskillful manifestations of our personality can shift, revealing the underlying gifts. The woman I visited had the wisdom and forthrightness of an aversive type. She knew when she needed to stop moaning about her life, and she knew how to change her mood and feel better, even if she couldn’t articulate that knowing. Maybe she has trouble seeing the gifts in life for which she is grateful, but I think if she were pressed, she would admit she appreciates her intelligence, her persistence, and her sharp tongue. I suspect she would recognize that the struggles of her life have strengthened her. She might not call it gratitude, but the feeling is there.
Does Greed Make Us Grateful?
So what about the other types? Wouldn’t the greedy type find gratitude easy? After all, if we notice the good things in a situation, surely we will be glad for them, won’t we?
This does not seem to be how the greedy personality works. Too often, greed creates jealousy and longing. We see something nice that belongs to someone else, and we want it. Underlying the greedy personality is a deep sense of worthlessness and lack. The greedy person fears she will never have enough nor be enough, so she pretends to be happy and successful. But no matter how rich and powerful she is, her shame tells her she’s a fake.
That hole in our hearts that twelve-step groups talk about can’t be filled with gold or status, but the greedy type doesn’t realize this. Maybe gratitude doesn’t come so easily to this type, either.
Like the aversive type, however, the greedy type can learn gratitude. She can cultivate the generosity that is her natural gift. When we recognize that our belief in our individual separateness is a delusion, we discover the abundance that lies all around us. We realize we are accepted and loved exactly as we are. Gratitude then flows naturally.
Gratitude and the Deluded Type
What about the deluded type?
I guess it’s not easy to be grateful for something when you have trouble focusing or thinking clearly. The deluded type floats through life in a fog, tuning out when things go wrong and missing the wonder and beauty in the moment. He mimics others because he has trouble recognizing what he feels or wants. The deluded type might express gratitude, because being grateful is the in thing these days, but he probably won’t connect with the feeling.
If the deluded type works on focusing his awareness, however, becoming clear about what lies in front of him, this fog can lift. He will see the suffering and joy of the world, yet will do so with a quiet equanimity. With equanimity, gratitude is perhaps unnecessary, for no matter what is happening, all is well. There is peace, compassion, and an acceptance of what is.
Gratitude for Being Ourselves
Perhaps the question should be not who is naturally grateful, but how we can become grateful no matter who we are. How do we do this? We find the gift within our personality. To help us do this, Buddha prescribed specific types of meditation practice for the three personalities.
For instance, the greedy type is encouraged to meditate on impermanence, thus developing an ability to let go. The aversive type is encouraged to focus on lovingkindness and the connection among all beings. For the deluded type, focusing on the breath or a mantra can be helpful.
This doesn’t mean being grateful is unimportant. All of us can benefit from focusing on the blessings we have. For the aversive type, this will mitigate our tendency to find fault. Being grateful for what he has will help the greedy type lust less for what others have. The deluded type may find that thinking about gratitude is just the thing to help her learn to focus.
Thank You for Being You
Whatever our type, we can learn to express our gifts and find joy in being alive. That isn’t to dismiss the true horror and misery of some people’s lives. Yet each moment holds the seed of transformation, just as it holds the seed of gratitude. We need the faith of the greedy type, the equanimity and compassion of the deluded type, and the clear vision and willingness to stand up for justice of the aversive type.
I am grateful for those whose aversion is stronger than mine, for those who thirst for beauty, and those who are better at accepting reality than I. What a joy to know I don’t have to do it all. I can simply be who I am.
Day after day, I strive to grow and learn and become the best person I can be. Thank goodness you are in the world, and you are busy being you, because that lets me focus on being me.
In faith and fondness,
Barbara
Credits
- For more about the Buddhist personality types, see Jack Kornfield’s The Wise Heart, Lisa Erickson’s “Buddhist Personality Types and Meditation,” Sharon Salzberg’s “The Three Personality Types of Buddhist Psychology,” and Elana’s “The Three Buddhist Personality Types: Which One Are You?“
Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash
Copyright © 2017 Barbara E. Stevens